NO! Must Blog...On the old year

I just looked to the side bar and saw how neglected my blog is. Last year I posted a grand total of 9 posts. Less than a post a month. And on my other blog? Have not blogged since March 2012. How is this possible? Have I done much work in that time? I think I will just carry on now blogging. I thought my stopping to blog would help me finish my PhD. quicker. Not so, I am still not there. And still like very far away. I feel even less motivated to finish now, than when I stopped blogging here. I need to blog again. I need an outlet, an escape, from the daily drudgery. This is horrible.

Well let's see. First part of last year I was very busy writing up a conference paper so I could attend a conference in the US. I remember waking up at 4 am and sleeping at 10 pm for almost a week or so. I worked really hard to get that paper published. On top of that my supervisor was actually on long-service leave and my co supervisor was on holidays. So basically it was only me doing the stuff, without much guidance. I was very happy when I did finish it on time. And it was an ASME conference paper too, peer reviewed. Very strict guidelines I was told. Well, I got in in the end. I also remember by the end of that week, I did have heart palpitations for quite a few days. I was really stressed during that time, and the lack of sleep did not help either. It was that time I felt really pumped and motivated. But right after finishing that paper I hit a bad patch, and became really demotivated. PhD. is such a love-hate relationship. If you had such a relationship with another person, one would be wise to seek help from a counsellor or psychiatrist. It is like this thing that you cannot stop thinking of, no matter what you do. One just go to it over and over. I ramble...

Well, next, being very aware that I needed to seek employment soon. This was the year I needed to start to work, because my scholarship money was running out the end of the year. So I spent the next few months looking for a job. And juggling that with my usual research work load, and also tutoring at university. It was crazy. I was stressed out of my mind. Oh, plus I needed to then search for a new place to stay, because the landlady was kicking us out. I hated that landlady, such a rotten person. Very petty and calculative. Well, anyways the next few months were spent dealing with all these issues. Quite stressed out.

Then with all those things not even partially settled, I set off for the US conference. The conference was for a week in Chicago. I must say it was pretty nice, the people I met were very nice.I thought I could see more of Chicago, but my supervisor wanted me to finish this bunch of work for the presentation, which I did not really manage to do. I spent the first few days, and even the flight over to the US working on it. That was quite crap. I wished to enjoy the trip more. But then again, it wasn't a holiday, it was a business trip if you like. Lesson learnt. Don't do business trips next time. Well I mean if I must. More correctly, don't expect a holiday out of a business trip. Not going to happen.

When I got back, over the next few months, I sorted out my house, got a job. But ever the restless. Now what, starting work. PhD. Juggling the two right now. So that is where I am. And I must say not juggling very well at the moment. I need to do this better. Why can't I be like one of those people that seem to just be just oh so graceful and just glide through life? I am not saying my life is hard. It is very comfortable. But there is so much internal struggle within me. I feel like cracking at the edges with all these things to do. I really need to have more elegance in life. I need to find time to read, to write. To love life.

So here is some reflection. Would I have done anything differently in 2012? As much crap that happened, I wouldn't change anything. I am a realist. Shit happens. But I do wish that I handled things better, and be more graceful during difficult situations. That is the challenge I put to myself. Be more graceful, be more humble. I want peace in my heart. I do not want to be restless anymore. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.